When I was serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I became aware of the fact that my family was not like other families. This was surprising news to me because I felt like most families were alike, especially in a close-knit church community.
Let me tell you how I first become aware of this. As a missionary, you are paired with a companion and you are expected to be together always. ALWAYS. I am talking about that I couldn’t even walk down an aisle of the store without her being by my side or go to the bathroom without her standing right outside the door. Yeah, you could say that we were attached at the hip, but when you are with someone 24/7 for at least three months, you notice things that you would think are abnormal, strange, or downright rude! Such as the fact that she gets angry at you anytime you don’t take off your shoes as you enter the house or leaving dishes in the sink more than one meal after using them is unacceptable, or she get offended when you try to serve her. Naturally, I felt like I had entered an alternate universe and it took quite bit of time, and effort to change my perception on her weird behavior, but as soon as I did everything was back to normal.
This week I learned a lot about family systems, roles, and rules, which gave light to what was happening on my mission. My companion was trying to be rude or bossy, she was just simply following her family system which consists of the rules and the roles.
According to the Family Systems Theory by Murray Bowen, each family has rules and roles. Most of them go unnoticed because they are engraved in our families. They are just a part of us. Take my companion for example, her family has a rule that you take off your shoes every time you go into the house. Something so simple that she probably would have never recognized it as her own family rule, if I hadn’t broken it. Another example is children having to say, “yes sir” or “no ma’am”. How did they learn this? Obviously by breaking the rule! Their parents correct them and tell them to address them as ma’am or sir, and they don’t try to break the rule again. Think about it. What are some of your own family rules? How did you know it was a family rule? It is good to know what your family rules are and how you learned. Once you understand your own family rules, you will begin to notice that other families have rules as well.
Another important thing to be aware of is the roles each person plays in their family. I am not talking about the role of older sister, or father, or younger brother, though those are important, I am talking more about the role of family clown, the black sheep, the hyper child, the emotional one, the motherly one, etc. Though they may never be brought into the light in our individual family units, each one of us carries one of these roles. Roles give our family structure and assurance that we are needed, and wanted, but they can immensely affect us. For example, a family member who is the family clown might have an off day, where they aren’t feeling so funny, but there is still an expectation that they need to fulfill their role. This can cause quite a bit of anxiety for that family member. Some may even get depressed when they feel that they are not fulfilling our family roles, therefore roles can be a double edge sword. We need to be aware of our role and our the roles that we put on our family members
As I was learning this, I began to compare family systems to immune systems. They rely on roles and structure to keep the family heathy. Like an immune system, the family system will protect itself from any disturbance by reestablishing the rules and roles. This is my companion was so frustrated with me and I with her, because we had frustrated each other’s family systems. Naturally, we wanted to correct the wrong, even though never of us were in the wrong. Quite interesting!
I invite each of you to look at your family systems and find out your rules and roles, and comment below about the things you observe. I would love to see your many different rules and roles!
The Family Lab 