Fathers

How important are fathers?

Well, let us look at some points that have been made in regards to this question.

1. Father involvement with pregnancy
   1. Most of the time, the pregnancy period is focused on the mothers and the fathers are very much left out. In Gottman’s book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, he says, “Studies show that a dad’s involvement in his partner’s pregnancy can help set the stage for a whole series of positive family interactions that benefit the marriage, benefit the child, and strengthen the father-child bond.” (pp. 174).
2. Father influence on Sons
   1. A study was done in the Tshwane district on the effect of the level of son-father attachment. The results indicated that fathers who were good role model and had a good attachment to their sons did not change their behavior drastically in anyway, but the sons of the father’s that did not have a secure attachment showed more tendencies to misbehave, experiment with drugs, develop physical and emotional health problems. The researchers stated “Fathers are perceived as the primary sources of explaining basic societal rules to their sons (external socialization). Boys tend to be heavily involved emotionally with their fathers as role models. They look up to their fathers about how to act out their male roles.”
3. Father influence on Daughter
   1. Another study was done on biological father absences and teen pregnancy or sexual activity. The results indicated that those with father’s absent from the home, were more likely to be sexually active and/ or become pregnant at earlier ages then those who had their biological father in the home.
4. Emotion and fathers
   1. They create situations which help the children learn how to manage and act upon their emotions. For example, fathers tend to rough house with the kids which can help them learn how to manage the excitement and what behaviors are appropriate.
5. Mother- Father Relationship
   1. How a father treats a mother, has a huge influence on the children. It models to the children how a man should treat a woman and what a woman should expect out of a man. Those who do not have father or do not have father that honor the mother miss out on these vital lessons.

I have seen these points with my own father. He was very much involved in our lives and I had a very special bond with him. I learned from him how I should be treated by a male and I find myself comparing the way other males treat me to how my dad treated my mom. I also learned from our roughhousing sessions how to regulate my emotions and to control my behaviors. There were quite a few times that I would smack him in the face or bite down on his arm. I learned quickly that those weren’t appropriate reactions.

Another interesting thing that I observed was that the way he parented us was directly influenced by the way he was parented. He didn’t really have a father in the home growing up since his parents divorced. It was always stepfathers. Something that I observed about my dad is that he is not good with emotions and I due that to the fact that his father was not available or willing to provide emotional coaching. My dad also has a hard asking for help or admitting that he needs help. He was expected to be the man of the house growing up, since there was no stable male figure in the house and receiving help of any kind is a sign of weakness. These are some weaknesses that I have observed, and I do really think that not having a solid male figure in his life is the root.  

But something I do admire about my dad is the fact that even though his father didn’t stick around, he did, and he has been such a blessing in our lives. I want to ensure that this happens in my family and that my children have a dad to look up too. Some of the steps, I am taking is dating wisely right now. I look for those who have a desire to be fathers and have ambition. I always ask myself, “would I want this man to be the role model for my children”. This question always determines whether I will continue to go out with that person.

Some other things that I am planning to do it to make sure that he is involved in every aspect of our children’s lives. Everything from the pregnancy to our children’s graduation. He is going to be involved in the baby shower, the parenting classes, the discipline decisions, everything! My plan is to work as a team with him so that our children have no doubt that we love each other and that we are in this together.