Councils and Communication

David D. Burns presented “Five Secrets of Effective Communication “ and I would like to share them with you today.

1. Use the Disarming Technique
   1. In other words, find some truth in what the person is trying to say, even if you think it seams to be unreasonable or untrue.
2. Empathize
   1. Empathizing is very different then sympathizing. When we empathize, we are putting ourselves into their shoes and seeing thing as they see them. We can do this in two ways. We can use thought empathy (paraphrasing and repeating back what they said) or we can use feeling empathy (acknowledging the feelings that the individual has about the matter, based on what he or she has said).
3. Inquire
   1. Ask questions but be gentle about it. Try to really understand what they are thinking and feeling.
4. Use “I feel” statements
   1. When you use “you” statements, it opens the door for the hurt feelings and the other person to become defensive. An example of a “you” statement would be “you never clean up after yourself”. When we use “I feel” statements, it allows you to express your feeling and thoughts with tact and without the evoking negative feelings from the other individual. If you are not sure where to start, use this simple formula. When (blank) I feel (blank) because (blank) I would like (blank). Very simple format that could save you a lot of trouble in the long run.
5. Use stroking
   1. Stroking their ego. Their sense of worth. How does one do this? Simply by finding something genuinely positive to say, especially during an argument. Make sure that you are letting them know that you respect them even if you are feeling negative emotions in the moment.  

These are great ways to take a possibly tense conversation to a constructive conversation. I would highly suggest using them.

Along with good ways to communicate, something so vitally important is to hold family council. I know I mentioned it briefly last week, but now I would like to go more into depth on how to hold a family council.

For those who are not religious, there may be some steps in here that you would not want to implement. That is alright, you can find alternatives to those steps, but for those who are not opposed, I highly suggest following these steps.

1. Plan a weekly day and time for your council.
   1. Having a set day and time will help you avoid the awkwardness of having to come up with a last-minute meeting in order to address an issue or family concern. Instead, it will just be expected. Council should be use in times of peace as well as in crisis, because they are for the unifying and building of the family. If councils are only used for crisis then we will begin to see them in a negative light even though they are a positive thing. Therefore, set a weekly day and time for your family council.
2. Make an agenda the day before.
   1. As executives of your homes, it is important that you prepare your family members to bring their own perspectives and ideas to the council. You can do this by giving the members of you family an agenda, filled with the things you want be discussed. Give it to them at least a day before so that they have time to think about the issues that will be discussed.
3. Before starting your council, start with expressing love for those in your council.
   1. Contention is less likely to arise if there is already a feeling of love in place. Take time to allow your council members to express love to one another. There are many ways to do this. My roommates and I have chosen to name one thing that we appreciate about each of the other council members. It has made all the difference! I challenge you to choose a way to express love to each other at the beginning of council.
4. Start with a prayer
   1. Family is not just an earthly matter, it is a heavenly matter
5. Sit in a circle
   1. It shows equality among the members of the council and that all are respected
6. Discuss to consensus
   1. Consensus is very different then compromise. Compromise means that each person must give in until there is a decision that everyone is “okay” with. Consensus mean that we decide together as a family rather than having one individual’s thoughts and feelings over rule another’s.
7. Finish with a prayer to confirm the decision(s) made
   1. Again, this is a heavenly matter.
8. Share refreshments  
   1. Nothing bonds families more than sugar. 😊

There you have it. A council.