Taking the Fear Out of Dating

When I got home from my mission and my ward members found out that I would be going to BYU-I, the teasing was nonstop.

“I wonder what your last name will be when you get back.”

“Can’t wait to meet the husband when you come back.”

“So how long do you think she will last? Two weeks?”

Nonstop! Every time I went to church, at least one of these types are comments where made. It was enough to drive someone crazy! Here I was a newly returned RM, barely getting a handle on life, and now I was expected to get married to first eligible bachelor.

Talk about anxiety inducing.

I went off to school dreading and fearing dating but thank goodness for amazing professors and an amazing sister. My sister had persuaded me to sign up for a class called “Preparation for Marriage”. I at first thought she was just as bad as the members of my ward but turns out that she was just wise. That class ended up being one of my favorite classes and this past week, I was able to review some of the things that I had learned.

Therefore, all my stressed-out single people, take a deep breath. I am about to take most of the fear out of dating. Let me introduce you to the R.A.M.

The R.A.M. is actually called the Relationship Attachment Model. It was created by John Van Epp to help provide a guideline in to creating healthy relationship. Attached below is a picture of the model.

This is how you interepret the R.A.M. Think as it more as levers rather them levels or steps. Each lever needs to be raised before the one after it can be raised, and it always goes in the order of know, trust, rely, commit, and then touch.

1. Know

To know doesn’t mean to just know what they like to do in their spare time or what is their favorite color. To know means to really have seen them in all sort of situations and had many different types of experiences with them to get an idea of their character. My teacher told us that we could measure know by a simple equation (Together + Talk + Time = Know). We cannot cheat time when it comes to getting to know each other and we cannot rush it either. Seeing someone everyday and hanging out does not equal getting to know them. It just shows you what they are like in one situation. Someone who dates wisely will place their date in many different situations. That is truly getting to know someone.

• Trust

Trust come after knowing someone. The more you get to know them, the more you know if you can trust them. When we know someone is reliable, it is a good idea to start mutually self-disclosing. Now don’t dump your whole life story on them, but it is alright to share some things. Vulnerability creates closeness.

• Rely

Naturally, you are going to begin to rely on them for emotional support when you begin to be vulnerable, but it should be appropriate for knowledge you have of them and how much you trust them.

• Commit

Again, it should be a natural thing, but sometimes it gets pushed way ahead of the others, especially in the BYU-I culture. Make commitments that are appropriate, such as commitment of time for a date or a commitment to a relationship when you have gotten to know each other. Then of course there is the big commitment of marriage that should never be rushed into. Take your time on the other three aspects of a healthy relationship and commitment will come naturally.

• Touch

There are several reasons why this is the last lever that should be moved in the R.A.M., but many people that I know try to use it as the first lever. Physical touch creates attachment and bonding, more so for females because it releases the chemical Oxytocin. Oxytocin is the chemical for bonding. For women, it is released more frequently and in larger quantities, therefore women bond quickly with physical touch.  

So what if we introduce it to early? We may become attached to someone who we don’t really know or who we don’t trust or can rely upon! Now that is scary! This is why it should always be last.

When I learned about the R.A.M., my fear of dating lessened. It all about making relationships and not all of them need to be romantic. It is the smart way to date.